vampires suck!

The puns, they amuse me.

At long last, I have succumbed to the overrated, romantic slice of teen fiction that is "the Twilight saga". The conformity shocks me!

Stephenie Meyer should get credit for creating a most irresistible read. Twilight was impossible to put down, as was New Moon, and I would not be surprised if I was completely hooked on Eclipse by the end of tonight.

However, this book is not "exactly my brand of heroin". Far from it. It is addicting, not wonderful. (Despite the cover. Judging a book by its cover certainly does not pertain to this situation.)

My first problem with this book is that vampires do not interest me in the slightest. Neither does romance (of the third degree). I did know this going into the book, so it didn't catch me off guard, but that started my slight distaste. However, I mostly brushed aside these preliminary ideas so I could try to enjoy the book.

My first real problem with this book was its narrator. Bella makes me cringe. Supposedly bookish, she is a shame to bookish girls everywhere. (And klutzes, and brunettes, and somewhat hopeless romantics, and girls in general.) Immensely shallow, Bella falls in love with Edward because of his good looks. Yes, he is one of the most beautiful people alive. Yes, he has an aura of mystery. Yes, Bella, you're drooling all over yourself now. One of the decreasing number of human characters in the book, she is one of the least human - her feelings are oftentimes one-sided and bland. She is defined by a single emotion at a time and seems to think she is invincible. Edward basically tells her he could crush her head between his fingers, but her reply is largely, "I...love...you...Edward..."

Edward, of course, is a redeeming quality, however small, but he doesn't save the book. The plot is rather dull. At least a hundred pages consist of Bella-in-Forks. (Bella arrived in Forks. Bella went to school in Forks. Bella saw this really pale, really hot guy in Forks.) I'm not fond of Bella, so this is boring and decidedly annoying. The next hundred (or three hundred) pages consist of Bella-and-Edward. Enough of it for me to want to toss my cookies all over the book. Edward is quite seductive, and really very romantic, and he's almost endearing in a way, but there's something that makes him slightly bothersome. If he was completely perfect with the flaw of bloodlust, he would be fine. But he's just so attached to Bella that it's painful. Really, Edward, she's not that great. Maybe she smells nice, but that's not really what you should judge by.

So this airy, lovey-dovey nonsense goes on for far too long. (I have a bit of a romantic in me. This tested how fluffy a story could become before I ripped the book in half.) And then, while playing baseball, the adversary comes!

JAMES, HOW I LOVE YOU. IF ONLY YOU WEREN'T COMPLETELY SERVED BY EDWARD.

And then the book commences with some more Bella-and-Edward.


This, my dear friends, is what entranced thousands of readers across the world. And, I admit, I was also entranced. But in a different way. I was addicted. I could not stop reading the book for anything. Stephenie Meyer's writing, simple but descriptive, can be inhaled completely. The entirity of Twilight can be read in a sitting. A hundred pages pass like five. This is what makes Twilight such a good read. There isn't much skirting, so you get most of the facts in one sitting. It drags on and on, but it can't be noticed. It's all swallow and no chew. While I was reading it, I liked it somewhat. After I finished, I couldn't see how so many people were completely in love with it. The plot is very dull at times, the characters are less than amazing, but it is irresistible. A contradiction in itself. So strange!

New Moon was less addicting because of the fact it was just worse. Three hundred and fifty pages of "mopey" Bella. I'm sick of your emo shenanigans, Isabella Swan. They were brightened by the little ray of sunshine that is Jacob, but I guess emo is contagious. Bella completely uses him, anyway. I pity him slightly. Still, because of the borefest it was turning out to be, I just read faster and faster until something actually happened.

Why does everyone let me down in this killing Bella business?


*I may be biased, but they totally stole Cedric for Edward, thus Harry Potter simply pwns all other fandoms.